FEELING BAD N GUILTY

today after dismiss from my lecture
i went back to my hostel and decided to take a good rest
i online and half way i fell asleep.
between the moment i was sleeping,
my mum called.

I answered the phone,
and i told her i wil call her back when i wake up.
about 10pm i woke up
and i straight away give my mum a call.

i was so tired just now
and my whole body was like stil having anathestic drug
i cant speak properly
and so when i talked to my mum.

i was so irritable dat moment.
i talk to her so so so rude.
but she didnt scold me.
she stil talk 2 me nicely.

she told me that she is sad
her collegues is irritating her
but i just simply answer her
didnt even give her too much respond

and she ask me to study hard
dun let ppl look down on me
den she said she is tired
she wanna sleep.
then i just answer her with a ARH
then she putt down the phone.

after putting down the phone i felt so so so so guilty immediately
i shouldnt talk to her dat way!!
i m too bad to b my mum daughter
i wanna give her an apology but i dun dare
den i decided to send her a sms
i hope my mummy wil forgive me.

i noe she wil.
mummy always forgive us no matter how much wrong thing we did
cause they love us!

STARTED MY PRATICAL AT THE WARD

After all i've started my practical in the ward ,i saw many thing that i din saw in my life,n i realize things that i didnt realize it before and i know all of this is just a start in my life.

I saw there is old patient who suffering for bedsore that i have not seen before.
and u cant imagine that...pity them...
they cant move,they cant help themselves,they cant eat themselve,
but we tried our best to help them...

that day there is a death occur in my ward.
an old lady who suffer with whole body of drip,needles,oxygen,just finish her brain operation and all kind of equitment which can help her to live longer...
until 30th of march...
she leave....
she family cried out loudly
on that moment...
i felt bit sad...but to me or mayb the old granny its mayb a release for her...
anyway its one of the thing i saw.
all kind of patients.

and here we have to be tough n be bit thick skin on our face...
mayb sometimes we wil get some scolding,teasing or whatever ..
althought on the spot its not the kind of we can hold our tears or emo..
bt we stil try hard and working hard to improve

SILENCE

I went home last week.
i see all my family members...
they are happy that i m bac...
they talk 2 me..
they jokes....
they laugh....
everyone is making noises.....

EXCEPT DADDY....

Daddy is more quiet compare to last time...
Daddy cant talk much....
Daddy duno what to talk...
Daddy just look at us by sitting at one corner...
Daddy rather watch tv...

ITS BECAUSE....

Daddy harldy pass his message to us....
Daddy is nervous when he talk...
Daddy cant remember what he wanna say...
Daddy having pain in his throat....
Daddy having swelling at his neck,leg and hands...



Daddy 's condition is getting worst one day by one day...
he talk less now..
but he try to smile more to us...

Everytime i go bac...
Daddy is losing one things....

I m afraid next time,next time, next time...
i m afraid daddy silence when i go bac nex time...
i m afraid to see daddy suffer...
i m afraid daddy do not recognize me anymore...
i m afraid daddy one day...........

SOMETHING THAT I STARTED TO NOTICE

THINGS THAT I DIDN'T EVER NOTICE

Since the day i know how to diffenrent things and talk,that moment i started to know i have a good daddy and a good mommy.

They are always loves us so much so much.
They shape us up full of love and caring.
We are always pretected by everythings.
Until we din even know that we make mistake that small and big.

Did we ever remember the mistake that we had made?
Parents will always scolded us because we done those mistake...
and we started to angry and even hate them...
we can even lock ourself up and refuse to talk to them
BUT...
Parents scold us because they don want us to make the mistake again.
they don want things come to be serious and we regret...
Although we always made mistakes
but parents always forgive us
and even care for us..
they still knock our room's door and ask us to take our dinner...

We are really protected until we didn't notice things that happen around us and we even worst still until we can forget about our parents when we done something wrong and selfish...

One day I started to notice something that i haven't notice and even care before...

I was sitting at the sofa and watching TV,
and i saw daddy and mommy.....

I NOTICE......

Daddy and mommy is old already....
they doesn't as strong as last time...
but they are still tough.

Daddy and mommy eye sight is bad already...
thay have to wear spec to read and see everythings..
but they are still willing to learn.

Daddy's back more hunch compare to last time....
he wallk very slow now...
Mommy's leg is painful and its is bend badly..
she also have a bad backache...
but she still work n keep the house clean everyday.

Suddenly i notice alot of things that i didin't notice before......

Daddy and Mommy is old already...
they can't stay with us always and protect us any longer like the time when we are small.
how long they still can live?
one day they wil leave us...
Before everythings its too late,i think i have to change myself and learn how to loves and care them like how they brought us up with full of loves.

and if one day mommy and daddy left us....

A LETTER FROM FATHERS

Dear Son & daugther....

The day that you see me old & I am already not,
have patience and try to understand me.....

If I get dirty when eating...If I cannot dress...have patience.
Remember the hours I spent teaching it to you.

If when I speak to you. I repeat the same things thousand and one times...don not interrupt me...listen to me.
When you are small,I had read it to you thousand and one times the same story until you get to sleep...

When I do not want to have a shower , neither shame me nor scold me....
Remember when I had to chase you with thousand excuses that I invented,in order that you wanted to bath.

When you see my ignorance on new technologies...give me the necessary time and not look at me with your mocking smile...
I taught you how to do so many things...to eat good,to dress well...to confront life.

When some moment I lose the memory or the thread of our conversation...let me have the necessary time to remember...
And If I cannot do it , do not become nervous...as the most important thing is not my conversation but surely to be with you and to have you listening to me .

If I ever do not want to eat,do not force me.
I know well when I eed to and when not.

When my tired legs do not allow me walk....give me your hand...the same way I did when you gave your first steps.

And when someday i say to you that I do not want to live anymore....that i want to die...do not angry...someday you will understand....

Try to understand that my age is not lived but survived.

Someday you will discover that,despite my misake ,I always wanted the best thing for you and that I tried to prepare the way for you...

You must not feel sad , angry or impotent for seeing me near you.You must be next to me and to help me as I did it when you started living.

Help me to walk..help me to end my way with love and patience.
I will pay you by a smile and the immense love
I have had always for you.

I Love You My Daughter and Son...

Your Father.

Will It Too Late For Everythings?

Am i too late for everythings?
this question i started to ask myself since last week after my nursing lecture that given by MISS GOH(the principle of acedemy of nursing).

last week we were nursing lecture that how to take care different type of patient,and one of it is old people that attacked by ALZHEIMER'S DESEASE.
Miss Goh showed us a slide of alzheimer's desease in the power point.
On that moment my dad's face showed up in my mind...
my heart felt like something was squeezing and my tears started to drop slowly
and dat moment i can't stop it...

WHAT IS ALZHEIMER'S DESEASE?

This condition is the commonest form od dementia;the aetiology is unknown although genetic factors may be involved.Females are affected twice as often as males and it usually affects those over 60 years,the incidence increasing with age.There is prograssive atrophy of the cerebral cortex accompanied by deteriorating mental functioning.Death usually occurs between 2 and 8 years after onset.

Memory loss.

Forgetting bits of information is more frequent and the chances of remembering are less.

(Daddy always forget the things where he put at first,then slowly he forget the way to home...)

Routine tasks become unfamiliar.

Most of what we normally do is so commonplace that we don’t even think of how to go about doing them, i.e. making a cup of coffee, but the Alzheimer's patient will not remember how to make that cup of coffee.

(Since i was a kids that can different things,i already know daddy like to drink his favourite BLACK COFFEE..and he can drink quite plenty cup a day..every day i smell COFFEE before i go to school...and NOW...Daddy no more drinking his favourite BLACK COFFEE...because he forget what he likes and don't know all the things that he do everyday last time..)

Disorientation

getting lost on one’s own street is characteristic of disorientation as is remembering how they arrived where they are or how to get back to where they came from.

(CHINESE NEW YEAR 2009,this years...daddy getting worst than few years ago....Daddy no more tough,strong,and good in recognizing road anymore...

On the chinese new year reunion dinner day..about 4.15p.m,mommy took daddy to a babber to trim his hair....mommy asked daddy to wait for her after finish.Mommy also told the barber to look after daddy because mommy have ti finish her housekeeping and attending the reunion dinner with whole family in my grandma house...

after house keeping and everything done, mommy ,me and my aunt was together in the car to fetch daddy..but we didn't saw daddy there..and we asked the barber and the barber told us that he was busy and he didn't notice daddy...he thought daddy back with us already.

Oh My God.....this word came to everyone of us...we were so worried and where is daddy?

we round around the places there and look for daddy...suddenly we saw someone familiar...an 60years old's old man with a hunch back,and the way he walk....then we drove nearer and it was DADDY!!!we found daddy!!!

and we also found that daddy no more recognize road to home....)

Poor judgment

People suffering with Alzheimer’s disassociate actions from reason. For example, they may not dress according to the weather or they may handle money improperly, even giving it away or spending it on unneeded items.

(When we still a kids...daddy and mommy teach us that wear pyjamas when we sleep and wear smart and tidy when we going out from the house....

Now...daddy wear nice when he go to sleep and wear pyjamas when we want to go out...and luckily mommy always beside there to correct him..)

Problems with abstract thinking

such as knowing what numbers are when attempting to do simple tasks like adding.

(Daddy and mommy names our name together...giving us beautiful and meaningful name so that we wil be beautiful/handsome and be the meaning of the name.....

Now.....

Daddy no more remember our name clearly...when we asked him u need a long time to think and ask us not to ask...because he can't remember and he was suffer for thinking also...

and we know daddy almost forget our name ....

will daddy forget who we are also?)

Misplacing things

Though any person may do this from time to time, the person with Alzheimer's will misplace things in unusual places such as putting a piece of jewelry in the freezer or an iron in the sink.

(we are taught by how to put back the things after we use since we are a child who started to walk and learn how to talk by daddy and mommy...

Now...

daddy always forget where is his wallet...and we have to help him to find the wallet for the whole day...)

Moodiness

the mood changes are often sudden and unexplainable. A person might go from a relaxed state to a highly agitated one.

(Baby cry because they are hungry,diapers wet and etc,kids cry because the fall down,cane by parents ant etc,teenager cry because break up with boyfriend ,friendship and etc...mostly kids teenagers,babies they cry loudly when they hurt.

Adult normally cry without showing it to anyone and cry soundless in the room or somewhere prevent seeing by people...

when i was a kids i heard daddy told my elder brother not to cry because u r a boy who are tough and manage to face problem...

Now daddy cry.....daddy is crying.....daddy is sad...daddy cry like a kids....daddy sobs....)

Personality changes

The person you knew becomes someone totally different. An independent person becomes dependent. A confident person becomes someone who is confused and fearful.

(I remember when i m 8 years old and my brother is at age 11...we quarell and fighting with each other always...and daddy told us not to fight and quarell because we are brother and sister...we have to care each other ....

Now...

daddy quarell with my brother whenever my brother ask him to take bath...he scold my brother and if my brother stil continue mumbling at him he wil get mad...he wanted to fight with my brother....

Daddy turn into a kids already...)

Lethargy and disinterest in routine activities.

(Daddy are always hardworking to give us better lives and education...

and daddy have fulfil it to us....

and daddy is retired and
attacked by ALzheimer's desease

daddy now is lacking...he like to sleep the whole day...)

Last Saturday.....i called my cousin and wanna chat with her because i can't sleep for duno why...

then my cousin told that my father cried 2 days ago...i was shocked....

she told me dat one day morning daddy wake up quite late and he didn't brush his teeth before he took his breakfast...and dat day my brother was there.My brother asked him to brush teeth...and he was so angry he refuse to do it...and my brother keep on mumbling about it..

then my father get angry and he wanna whack my brother and my grandma saw it and stop daddy...

then daddy sat on the dinner table and cry like a kids

grandma asked him why..he say he is sad because my brother bully him and he miss me because i m study at far away from home....he cry for awhile and he stop...

when my grandma on the tv and he watch and he laugh..

he forgotten what had happen just now...

daddy change to a kids...

my cousin also told me daddy was happy to see people visit....he open the door quickly and smile...

he is sad like face like going to drop his tears when the visitor are leaving.....

My cousin also told me....daddy is happy everytime i back to home

daddy is very very happy even i only call him a word---DADDY...

he is happy with a single little word...

Daddy is happy with a single easy word,but we are not happy by given so many things by our parents...

AM I TOO LATE FOR EVERYTHINGS?

WHAT CAN I DO NOW?

AND NOW I M TRYING TO TALK TO HIM MORE AND CALL HIM WHEN I M FREE

DADDY IS ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF US AND BEING A ROLE MODEL TO US....

AND NOW IS OUR TURN TO TAKE CARE DADDY TO GIVES A BETTER LIFE FOR HIM.......

I HOPE EVERYTHINGS IS NOT TO LATE TO BE DO STARTING FROM NOW ON........